CURMUDGEON'S LAMENT

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 18:22:43 GMT

Cheaper than ambulance rides and liver transplants.

Dying's even cheaper, I guess.

Cheaper than marriage counseling.

Cheaper than health insurance.

Delicious gardening tools!

Doc—ya gotta help me!

I just can’t live without chocohol!

Lego sex is even cheaper than porn!

Real fear

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 04:21:17 GMT

Today, I smacked my head by accident in my apartment and got another concussion (my 4th in 36 years). So, now I can't drive, my head will hurt more than it already does and my IQ will be a little lower for a little while.

Still, it's more sad to know that this, combined with my life-threatening health concerns aren't nearly as distressing as how fucked up the state of our country is, considering the fact that the election could actually go either way, tomorrow. Things are just so fucked up, now. I can still vote tomorrow--my polling place is less than a block away. But, the fact that people seem even more exponentially gullible and brain-dead with each national election makes me wonder if all the fighting I've/we've gone through, is going to be no more than a bad joke, in a month.

High cholesterol/triglycerides, hypertension, skin cancer, a concussion and the sudden, very real threat of a stroke or aneurism are still less frightening to me than the thought of "President Palin" or even "McCain." I wish I was joking. I'd all but forgotten how physically painful fear can be.

Prayer...the last refuge of a scoundrel.

never

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 18:38:52 GMT

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More bitching and moaning...

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:09:51 GMT

After 2 narcotic-induced nights of sleep in the hospital, I'm right back to insomnia. Which shows that the theory that drug induced sleep isn't real "sleep," which is conducive of what doctors say, has merit. I don't even know why they gave me that dope. I feel worse than ever. I'm not sleepy and I feel like I drank two bottles of the old kind of cough syrup.

If it wasn't for people on the other side of the planet and IM, I'd be completely stir crazy (or, at least more stir crazy than I already am). Other than while I'm working--which, is now almost never--I don't have much social contact anymore. I foolishly moved to a dank, sunlight-deprived basement in a Polish ghetto on the Bumble-fuck Egypt far NW side of Chicago where I only know 3 people (they live in my building), I can't speak more than 10 words in Polish (my three friends either interpret for me or sometimes I can get by speaking "Tarzan"), I'm very far from anyplace I want to be and my car died right after I moved here.

Since I moved here, the only person who's ever traveled across town to visit me has been my ex-girlfriend and that's wearing out. She wouldn't even go with me to the hospital or visit me there, because it takes her forever to get out this far. She doesn't drive. My brothers have never even come over and they're both less than thirty miles away, even though I've gone to see them.

Furthermore, my 3 ton work van only gets 12 mpg and it literally takes at least an hour to get anywhere I want to be on public trans--usually more like 2 or three. Plus, my sciatica makes it so I can't ride more than about five miles on my bicycle without really hurting my back to the point where it takes days to recover.

I can't remember ever being more unhappy or uncomfortable in my whole life. That includes back in 1992, when I was a crack-headed drunk with the shakes, hanging out behind a liquor store with the other gutter people, praying for 7am to finally arrive so I could get some cheap vodka and kick down. I think there's a Gypsy curse on my family. Their lives aren't any picnic, either. But I'd trade problems with them or any of my friends five fold, right now. My rent is only $520 a month and I don't even know if I'm going to make even that by the first. Again, I'm just pouring my guts out. I couldn't drink, even if I want to. I have a hard enough time just getting food into me.

Unlike everyone I know, my food bills have actually gone down. I'd prolly be cold all the time, accept one of my meds gives me extreme hot flashes. I'm sorry to be such a downer all the time. I've kinda used up all my friends' "listen to Andy bitch and moan" quotas. I'm sure yours has just about been reached, if it hasn't already. The servers must be down in Indonesia, because the friends I have there all dropped off line at the same time and haven't gotten back up since about 3am. So, I'm sitting here at dawn, not loving life, at the moment. It sucks to be tired and not be able to sleep. Really.

Sad but true Pt 1

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 05:29:20 GMT

my life has been like hell on Earth for the last five years. When it's looked like things couldn't get much worse and this f-d up cosmic joke will end, I'd find out, again, that "beyond my wildest dreams" can be the opposite of what it implies. It started a few years back when two crooks broke down my bedroom door and cracked my skull with a blunt object. It was the third concussion I've had since I was ten years old. the next Spring, my best friend Bob threw himself in front of an el train on Easter Morning after having left me a message saying we'd get together after he went to church. I got a call at 130pm from his ex. I felt horrible, because after he broke up with his fiance across the street from me and she kicked him out, I couldn't let him live with me for too long because it was written into my rental agreement. He found a depressing garden (read: dank, basement) apartment. He was a recovering alcoholic, like me, who relapsed shortly before he killed himself. His ex felt horrible and, even though she was my friend before he was, she couldn't be friends with me, afterwords. Too painful. It's just been downhill since. In 2002, I lived in a beautiful downtown apartment in a neighborhood full of gorgeous, successful people--mostly women. I had a huge website that promoted FBBs, Strongest Women contestants, female boxers and of course, fitness models and lady wrestlers. I got into it because when I'd put Aprils, Dayna Cadea's or Colettes Nelson's name into a search engine, their sites were at least the fifth ones down the list. So I came up with acatchy URL, FemaleMuscleFantasy.com, did a more user-friendly site similar to Andy's Muscle Goddesses (Andy Y, from Germany) and put one page picture galleries with each lady's info and sites banner (which I would make for them many times) on it. The site became HUGE. It was a labor of love on my part and I was making great money with my recycling business, so I did it all out of my own pocket. April is definitely not exagerating about her bandwidth costs. After a while, I changed the site's name to FemaleMuscleBeauty.com and turned the old URL into an extremely cheap paysite. Now, the models who wanted to could show soft-core nudes to drum up business for their own paysites. The least I could charge was $3.95. I want to charge $2, but adult billing services won't go that low. All I wanted was to pay for my bandwidth because I didn't have my own server and didn't want to. I used midspring as my server and they were taken over by earthlink. In 2005, something happened that gave my site over 3,000,000 hits within a minute. (I'm not sure what--maybe a certain lude radio personality visited during his live broadcast.)

How come?

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:30:15 GMT

After my curiosity gets the best of me, I look at the listings of Shemale prostitutes on craigslist and I wonder why life gave some of these drop-dead-gorgeous people a jackhammer, while I only received an eyeglass repair kit.

The best heroes travel around in pieces of junk.

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:34:59 GMT

yeah

I know what I am.

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 17:49:39 GMT

What is a Curmudgeon anyway? This is the most accurate description I've found:

"A curmudgeon's reputation for malevolence is undeserved. They're neither warped nor evil at heart. They don't hate mankind, just mankind's absurdities. They're just as sensitive and soft-hearted as the next guy, but they hide their vulnerability beneath a crust of misanthropy. They ease the pain by turning hurt into humor.

They attack maudlinism because it devalues genuine sentiment.

Nature, having failed to equip them with a serviceable denial mechanism, has endowed them with astute perception and sly wit.

Curmudgeons are mockers and debunkers whose bitterness is a symptom rather than a disease. They can't compromise their standards and can't manage the suspension of disbelief necessary for feigned cheerfulness. Their awareness is a curse.

Perhaps curmudgeons have gotten a bad rap in the same way that the messenger is blamed for the message: They have the temerity to comment on the human condition without apology. They not only refuse to applaud mediocrity, they howl it down with morose glee. Their versions of the truth unsettle us, and we hold it against them, even though they soften it with humor."

- JON WINOKUR

That said, I'm not doddering, ancient or crusty. In fact, I'm middle aged, but youthful looking. Not exactly easy on the eyes, but not crusty at all. But the mindset is there. I've excepted what I am. I am a curmudgeon.

Y'ARRR! 'Tis International Talk Like a Pirate Day, ye cockard o' deck apes!

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 19:17:00 GMT

Haul ye wind and hold yer water!

Coupla' sticky things...

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 03:00:07 GMT

I might love you and I'm not reserved about telling you, if I do. Don't let it go to your head. I love moss, too.

I'm one of the toughest audiences you'll find, when it comes to jokes...think: the hospital bed-ridden friend on the "Stand-ins" episode of Seinfeld. If you're trying to cheer me up, you'll probably get a better reaction with food, or in cyberspace, telling me about something positive in your life.

On a collective level, I can be a real hater. Groups, not individuals, in most cases. Hard pressed, I can even find the good in the most notorious people. However, I'm an equal opportunity hater. All Earthlings, grouped collectively, most of the time. On a singular basis, I'm the opposite in most cases.

I'm an advocate of what most people consider to be "creepy" living things. I love cold blooded animals, rats, bats, carnivorous plants and if you knew me as a child, you know why. If you revel in killing these things and I find out, you will know how much I hate you--instantly. I think people who harm things only because they think they're creepy are total cowards. This is on an individual basis.

I purposely give off creepy vibes. This tells me a lot about an individual on a cosmic level. Animals don't sense the "creep" vibe. Probably, mostly because it doesn't really exist.

I try to live and let live as much as I can.

I'm only slightly carnivorous, but this is mostly because I know how horribly most feed animals are treated. Humanely killed food is more expensive so I try to eat more non-animal matter.

I look into stuff. I'm not against killing for food, but IMO it has to be done humanely, if I'm going to eat it or feed it to my pets. This, of course isn't too easy to manage when it comes to prepared people and pet foods, so I've created a lot of ideas and recipes. I'm happy to share them.

The only way to be sure things are killed humanely is to do it myself...they never know what happened...that fast.

It bugs me when you think my or someone else's preferences are a statement about you...Do you really think you're that important?

Knowing what you think about me is not my business. I'm not that important. Everybody seems to be their own worst critic. I'll leave that work to you. Believe me, I've got myself covered on this one.

If you make me promise 'to' or 'not to' do something (like flake/not) and then you go and 'do/not' do that thing, I will resent you for it. Sometimes for a few minutes, or decades...you'll know when/if I tell you. If not you, I'll tell someone.

In most cases I'm more forgiving than I should be. Being hard on myself and soft on others is my unfortunate nature. Hence the virtual "kick me" sign that assholes see on my back. All should know that I'm fully capable of ignoring that sign and turning it against people who see it.

I hurt a lot. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'll usually try to keep it from others.

Given the choice, I'll be honest with you instead of sparing your feelings. I feel lying through omission is still lying--only if the information is going to make a difference, of course.

My spine is fucked up. that's why my head and neck usually lean to one side or another. It also makes my posture bad. It hurts.

I' m anti-photogenic. If you and I take a picture together and it is in my camera, there's a good chance I'll delete it. That's why I'd prefer to take a picture of you without me. I already know the camera adds ten pounds. Unfortunately, for me, the camera adds those ten pounds to me nose.

I've been cursed with a hyper-sensitive nose. I can smell things far in advance of most people. Take my word for it. There are far more things that smell bad than good. I know my breathe usually falls under this heading. It's a bacterial thing and sometimes I forget. Offering me gum is a nice way of reminding me, but I know why you're offering. Sorry.

I'd be better off if I didn't talk as much as I do. Besides my sometimes horrific breathe (please tell me if you smell it), I also have TMD a.k.a. TMJ. It literally hurts for me to talk too much. But I still do. That's why I seem to have only two speeds: Apathetic and verbose.

I have a soothing masculine baritone voice that sounds great on the phone. If you haven't met me in person, expect to be let down a bit. Don't worry, I'm used to it.

If you're meeting me for the first time, there's a good chance you'll look at me, then I'll say hello, then you'll say a slightly confused hello back, look away and then look back and say, "Andy?" If you said hello kind of uncomfortably, it usually means I just caught a creep vibe radar, back from you. Don't worry, I wasn't gonna hit on you, regardless. I know my station and what league I'm in. You really think you're that important?

I'm nocturnal. The dawn is my enemy.

I'm usually very trustworthy, but I'd rather you didn't know that. A lot of people mistake my dependability for that kick me sign I mentioned.

I'm compassionate, and I'm not uncomfortable with you knowing that. But, you should not confuse compassion with weakness.

I've been known to use my words as if they're daggers and they do bring some people to their knees. If that doesn't work, I have very sharp knuckles. If those won't work, I'm a fast runner and adept at finding sticks and stones. Yes, I'll go there.

I was physically and verbally and sexually abused by several different people when I was a child. That's why I don't have kids. I know that the ones who did me, did so as a result of being done themselves.

I understand and except almost all things. That doesn't mean I'm OK with them.

I'm a bitter, middle-aged curmudgeon.

I'm on medication--more than I'm comfortable with. Much more.

Type your cut contents here.
I'm literally so bitter that 99% of mosquitoes won't bite me. I'm not joking. However, if you're with me at night, standing next to me will chase the bugs to you even faster. They use me as a homing beacon to find you. I think it's from all the medications I have to take. It could be pheromones, though. Or just my "bitternesse aura."

I know I shouldn't expect anything from anyone, including you, but sometimes I feel entitled to people being accountable for their actions. Actions speak the truth. Words speak what people want us to hear. If we both know you're just paying lip-service to some bullshit, just cop to it, before it gets us both pissed.

In 2008, I'm giving everyone the same thing for their birthdays that they gave me this year. Which means everyone is getting nothing, except for my parents. They get some love with an extra large side of guilt.

Puns suck. Bad puns suck even more. All puns are bad, therefore all puns suck...hard. Please don't pun at me. The only place puns even come close to acceptable is in porn titles--and they're still unacceptable.

Are you a heightist? Do you think tall people are better than short people? Have you poked fun at them, laughed or disrespected them? There are so many terms that demean short people: You must feel pretty low, small, puny, pipsqueak, etc. Not to mention the one I'm sure tall people made up, "looked down upon." How is this any different from racism? If you think you're a friend of mine, but are obviously a heightist, you're resented by me and not a friend of mine.

If you make me promise not to flake on you, and then you turn around an flake on me, you suck hard, fuck you very much.

More will follow...

Surf's up!

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:47:57 GMT

A little unfair, but it still made me laugh...

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 01:15:36 GMT

LOL

I didn't write any of these, but, unfortunately, I own about half of them.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 04:14:28 GMT

Being Poor

Being poor is knowing exactly how much everything costs.

Being poor is getting angry at your kids for asking for all the crap they see on TV.

Being poor is having to keep buying $800 cars because they're what you can afford, and then having the cars break down on you, because there's not an $800 car in America that's worth a damn.

Being poor is hoping the toothache goes away.

Being poor is knowing your kid goes to friends' houses but never has friends over to yours.

Being poor is going to the restroom before you get in the school lunch line so your friends will be ahead of you and won't hear you say "I get free lunch" when you get to the cashier.

Being poor is living next to the freeway.

Being poor is coming back to the car with your children in the back seat, clutching that box of Raisin Bran you just bought and trying to think of a way to make the kids understand that the box has to last.

Being poor is wondering if your well-off sibling is lying when he says he doesn't mind when you ask for help.

Being poor is off-brand toys.

Being poor is a heater in only one room of the house.

Being poor is knowing you can't leave $5 on the coffee table when your friends are around.

Being poor is hoping your kids don't have a growth spurt.

Being poor is stealing meat from the store, frying it up before your mom gets home and then telling her she doesn't have make dinner tonight because you're not hungry anyway.

Being poor is Goodwill underwear.

Being poor is not enough space for everyone who lives with you.

Being poor is feeling the glued soles tear off your supermarket shoes when you run around the playground.

Being poor is your kid's school being the one with the 15-year-old textbooks and no air conditioning.

Being poor is thinking $8 an hour is a really good deal.

Being poor is relying on people who don't give a damn about you.

Being poor is an overnight shift under florescent lights.

Being poor is finding the letter your mom wrote to your dad, begging him for the child support.

Being poor is a bathtub you have to empty into the toilet.

Being poor is stopping the car to take a lamp from a stranger's trash.

Being poor is making lunch for your kid when a cockroach skitters over the bread, and you looking over to see if your kid saw.

Being poor is believing a GED actually makes a goddamned difference.

Being poor is people angry at you just for walking around in the mall.

Being poor is not taking the job because you can't find someone you trust to watch your kids.

Being poor is the police busting into the apartment right next to yours.

Being poor is not talking to that girl because she'll probably just laugh at your clothes.

Being poor is hoping you'll be invited for dinner.

Being poor is a sidewalk with lots of brown glass on it.

Being poor is people thinking they know something about you by the way you talk.

Being poor is needing that 35-cent raise.

Being poor is your kid's teacher assuming you don't have any books in your home.

Being poor is six dollars short on the utility bill and no way to close the gap.

Being poor is crying when you drop the mac and cheese on the floor.

Being poor is knowing you work as hard as anyone, anywhere.

Being poor is people surprised to discover you're not actually stupid.

Being poor is people surprised to discover you're not actually lazy.

Being poor is a six-hour wait in an emergency room with a sick child asleep on your lap.

Being poor is never buying anything someone else hasn't bought first.

Being poor is picking the 10 cent ramen instead of the 12 cent ramen because that's two extra packages for every dollar.

Being poor is having to live with choices you didn't know you made when you were 14 years old.

Being poor is getting tired of people wanting you to be grateful.

Being poor is knowing you're being judged.

Being poor is a box of crayons and a $1 coloring book from a community center Santa.

Being poor is checking the coin return slot of every soda machine you go by.

Being poor is deciding that it's all right to base a relationship on shelter.

Being poor is knowing you really shouldn't spend that buck on a Lotto ticket.

Being poor is hoping the register lady will spot you the dime.

Being poor is feeling helpless when your child makes the same mistakes you did, and won't listen to you beg them against doing so.

Being poor is a cough that doesn't go away.

Being poor is making sure you don't spill on the couch, just in case you have to give it back before the lease is up.

Being poor is a $200 paycheck advance from a company that takes $250 when the paycheck comes in.

Being poor is four years of night classes for an Associates of Art degree.

Being poor is a lumpy futon bed.

Being poor is knowing where the shelter is.

Being poor is people who have never been poor wondering why you choose to be so.

Being poor is knowing how hard it is to stop being poor.

Being poor is seeing how few options you have.

Being poor is running in place.

Being poor is people wondering why you didn't leave.

Our "rules"

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 04:18:11 GMT

The Guys'
Rules\

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules Book "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is a blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the
other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not
A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
-idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't
want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round
IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can

Bestest Dr. Who clip EVER!

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 07:30:41 GMT

Bush Libary

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 04:38:20 GMT

> > > > ***********************************************************
> > > > The George W. Bush Museum is being planned at Southern Methodist
> > U.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > DALLAS Methodists opposed to a George W. Bush Presidential
> > Library,
> > > > Museum and Policy Institute at Southern Methodist University here
> > are
> > > > mounting a last-ditch effort to block a nearly completed deal by
> > > > throwing
> > > > the decision to a regional church conference in July.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > The George W. Bush Library will include:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > 1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
> > > > 2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.
> > > > 3. The Texas Air National Guard Room where you don't even have
> > to
> > > > show up.
> > > > 4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
> > > > 5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
> > > > 6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been
> > able
> > > > to
> > > > find.
> > > > 7. The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they
> > make
> > > > you go
> > > > back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
> > > > 8. The Dick Cheney Room in the famous undisclosed location,
> > complete
> > > > with
> > > > shooting gallery.
> > > > 9. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your
> > favorite
> > > > Republican Senators.
> > > > 10. Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to
> > a
> > > > 7/8
> > > > scale model of the President's ego.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Additional background on the museum and plans still under
> > > > consideration:
> > > > A. To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will
> > > > have an
> > > > electron microscope to help you locate them.
> > > > B When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much
> > about
> > > > the
> > > > individual exhibits, as long as his museum was better than his
> > > > father's.
> > > > Thus the Ego Room.
> > > > 3. Still being considered are the Katherine Harris and Cuyahoga
> > > > County
> > > > Memorial Annex Rooms, where all of your ID documents are
> > automatically
> > > > invalidated at the entrance, all the pens you use to register
> > inside
> > > > the
> > > > room don't work, and the Supreme Court rules that you can't have
> > a
> > > > pen that
> > > > does work or have your original IDs back due to "the underlying
> > > > Constitutional issues involved."
> > > >

Funniest stuff I've seen in a while...

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 03:26:04 GMT

The writer's strike came with a few blessings, like tons of animal and music acts, self written mono logs and lots of fucking around on the late night talk shows. But, these videos are certainly the best blessings, IMO:

It's been too long

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 07:02:12 GMT

I have to return to the show and get it out of my system for another decade, or so...a good test for my rememory.

On second thought...after seeing what actually goes on at the theater these days...I wouldn't give a pair of dingo's kidneys to get into such a nerdy, dorkus-mellorcuss show as they do, now. These losers make Trekkies look cool. They make it look more like a friggin kid's b-day party. It's s'posed to look like a fucking freak show. Back in my day, we threw rice--not confetti. Brought not-enough newspaper, so it wouldn't matter how many people had squirt-guns, cuz only pussies and wussies are scared-a squirt gun water! And we threw hot dogs at the screen, by-gum!
And ya wouldn't hold the newspaper well enough, so the water would hit ya and you'd catch a cold and be sick for days, and you'd get hit in the head with a hot dog and some weird mother-fucker would grab your girlfriend's ass and she'd be pissed for the rest of the night and ya wouldn't get any that night, and you'd be shivering and pissed and horny and your filthy, wet, sticky, greasy hair would stink like old hot dogs and you'd have wet, raw rice in your pockets and your ass would itch cuz your underwear got wet and you sat on it for an hour, and you'd wanna punch someone real hard, but you couldn't, cuz the only people around would be your pissed off girlfriend and maybe a passed-out-drunk friend who'd never feel it if you hit him anyhow, and you'd say to yourself, "why did I go to that fucking freak show and not turn my pockets out so rice won't go in them, and not hold up the paper right so I wouldn't get soaked, and why wasn't I scared-a that squirt gun water--what made me cold and sick, and why didn't I duck when that hot dog came flyin' at my head, and why didn't I knee that asshole in the balls before he could grab my girlfriends ass so she'd be pissed off all night and I wouldn't get laid, and I had to go to bed wet and stinky and violently angry and horny and cold and snot-nosed?" And, we LIKED it! Cuz that's what being a teenager or 20-something loser who's pissed at the world is all about.

I feel sorry for kids today who don't get to experience those blood angering moments in life that make ya wanna punch someone real hard in the head. Poor bastards.

Why I oughta!

Writer's Block: Who Pays the Deducitble?

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:44:18 GMT

You crash your friend's car because you're driving too fast in bad weather. Everyone's okay, but the car has to go into the shop. Do you pay the deductible?

View 500 Answers

It's up to the friend. If they want me to pay, that's what I should do. Some friends will let others slide. If the situation was reversed--I dunno. But, I digress.

Stolen shamelessly from little_octagon

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:11:30 GMT

Thanks Jacqui!little_octagon

Gakked from April Hunter's Valentine Ha-ha's

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 05:21:36 GMT

Dear Tech Support:

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in
the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but
to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "I Thought You Loved Me.exe" and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These
are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software
to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot
Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

Cloverfield

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 07:23:31 GMT

Just saw it. Loved it. Very original idea. It's rated PG13 for violence, terror and disturbing images...I like that. Not for everybody, but I think the members of this group will like it. They sure did a great job of keeping this movie secret and under wraps. Seeing this movie without any idea of what it's really about is priceless. If anyone spoils it for you, beat them severely!

Hey.

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 17:07:01 GMT

little_octagonHappy tomorrees' Birfday! Hope you're having a good time.

-A little_octagon

Festivus Schmestivus

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 22:09:52 GMT

I never would'a guessed...

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 05:07:49 GMT

Your results:
You are Hulk

Hulk		90%
Catwoman		80%
Spider-Man		80%
Robin		70%
Green Lantern		70%
Batman		65%
The Flash		60%
Iron Man		50%
Supergirl		50%
Superman		50%
Wonder Woman		40%

You are a wanderer with
amazing strength.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test